Posts Tagged ‘support’
Killer Clichés about Loss
We have all been educated on how to acquire things. We have been taught how to get an education, get a job, buy a house, etc. There are colleges, universities, trade schools, and technical schools. You can take courses in virtually anything that might interest you.
What education do we receive about dealing with loss? What school do you go to learn to deal with the conflicting feelings caused by significant emotional loss? Loss is so much more predictable and inevitable than gain, and yet we are woefully ill-prepared to deal with loss.
One of the most damaging killer clichés about loss is “time heals all wounds.” When we present open lectures on the subject of Grief Recovery®, we often ask if anyone is still feeling pain, isolation, or loneliness as the result of the death of a loved one 20 or more years ago. There are always several hands raised in response to that question. Then we gently ask, “if time is going to heal, then 20 years still isn’t enough?”
While recovery from loss does take some time, it need not take as much time as you have been led to believe. Recovery is totally individual, there is no absolute time frame. Sometimes in an attempt to conform to other people’s time frames, we do ourselves great harm. This idea leads us to another of the killer clichés, “you should be over it by now.”
It is bad enough that well-meaning, well intentioned friends attack us with killer clichés, but then we start picking on ourselves. We start believing that we are defective or somehow deficient because we haven’t recovered yet.
If we take just the two killer clichés we’ve mentioned so far, we can see that they have something in common. They both imply that a non-action will have some therapeutic or recovery value. That by waiting, and letting some time pass, we will heal. Let’s add a third cliché to the batch, “you have to keep busy.” Many grievers follow this incorrect advice and work two or three jobs. They fill their time with endless tasks and chores. At the end of any given day, asked how they feel, invariably they report that their heart still feels broken; that all they accomplished by staying busy was to get exhausted.
Now, with only three basic killer clichés we can severely limit and restrict our ability to participate in effective recovery. It is not only that people around us tell us these clichés, in an attempt to help, but we ourselves learned and practiced these false beliefs for most of our lives. It is time for us to learn some new and helpful beliefs to assist us in grieving and completing relationships that have ended or changed.
QUESTION: I have heard that it takes 2 years to “get over” the death of a loved one; 5 years to “get over” the death of a parent; and you never “get over” the death of a child. Is this true?
ANSWER: Part of the problem is the phrase “get over.” It is more accurate to say that you would never forget a child who had died, anymore than you would ever forget a parent or a loved one. Another part of the problem is one of those killer clichés we talked about, that time, of itself, is a recovery action. Although recovery from loss does take some time, it is the actions within time that lead to successful recovery.
The primary goal of Grief Recovery® is to help you “grieve and complete” relationships that have ended or changed. Successful Grief Recovery® allows you to have fond memories not turn painful and helps you retake a happy and productive place in your own life. In addition, you regain the ability to begin new relationships, rather than attempting to replace or avoid past relationships.
© 2002 Russell P. Friedman, John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute.
All rights reserved. Used with Permission.
Sue Hasker – Injury Healing Coach
Certified Performing Edge Consultant
Certified Grief Recovery Specialist
Posted in Articles, Grief, Healing, Psychological Effects, Uncategorized | 
Tags: anxiety, Coaching, depression, grief, grief recovery, Mental Training, recovery, support | 
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Asking for Help While Healing – Top 10 Tips
Asking for help is not always easy, especially when we are not used to doing it. When we are recovering it is sometimes even harder because we want to prove to others (and ourselves) that we can be independent, while secretly wishing others would “just know” what we need. While it is not reasonable to expect all our needs to be met just exactly when and how we want, it is possible to help others help us simply by letting them know what we need. So, what is the best way to communicate to others so that they will understand the things we cannot do for ourselves and be willing to help? The following is a list of ten tips for getting the best response.
1. Do not apologize for needing help.
As humans we are allowed to be sick, to be weak, to have accidents, to make mistakes, and to ask for help. We need each other and people usually want to help others. I will make your visitors and caregivers feel needed and appreciated when we ask directly for what we need in a way that sounds positive and not “whiney.”
2. Keep an on-going list.
As part of your healing journal, or on a notepad or computer, keep a list of anything you can think of that will make your recovery process easier. If we do not keep a list it is easy to forget something important when a visitor or caregiver asks if we need anything, only to remember it after they leave. The list can include anything from something you need at the store, to questions to ask your doctor. When something is written down, it often makes the request feel more practical and less “needy” in case we tend to lose our courage to be direct in asking for help.
3. Listen to offers of assistance.
Do not ignore when someone offers to help, even if it sounds vague or insincere. Take them up on it right away, saying, “Well yes, there is something I would appreciate help with.” When you have a list ready it is much easier to answer the offer to help with a direct request, such as bringing you something from the kitchen, or asking for a ride to an appointment. Do not hesitate to ask, but ask for something specific so they know what to do.
4. Be direct and honest.
Instead of asking someone a question like, “Can you do something for me?” which can feel a bit like being backed into a corner or being pressured into saying “yes” right away, ask for what you need directly. Try instead something like, “I need a prescription picked up at the pharmacy today, can you do that for me?” They can always say no. Most people would rather know what they are getting into before agreeing to help. Thank them in either case.
5. Expect and respect a “No” answer on occasion.
While people usually enjoy being able to help, it is not always convenient or possible. There may be another time that works out, but maybe not this time. Be gracious when you ask and are turned down, otherwise you might not have another chance with that person.
6. Be honest with yourself (and others).
This is not the time to “test” others to see if they are being sincere. Ask only if you really need or want something, not to find out if they meant what they said when they offered to help. On the other hand, when you are really in need do not wait for someone to offer, go ahead and ask directly. Again, they can always say no.
7. If you do not know exactly what you need, tell them what you feel.
Sometimes it takes a while to really figure out what we need and it may take talking it through to make the connections. It may be that what you need is someone to listen to you. Or it may be that you are frightened or anxious and cannot identify what you need, you just know you feel “something” and need help figuring it out. You do not have to understand everything or pretend to be brave and tough it out alone.
8. Be persistent.
Just because one person is unable or unwilling to help, do not give up. Ask someone else. Also, do not give up on someone simply because they said no one time, it may have been a bad day for them.
9. Be appreciative.
Express your sincere gratitude for any kindness shown to you. While it is not wise to demand or even expect anything, it is always best to show your appreciation, and will encourage people to want to help you again.
10. Be smart – know what help is available.
This is something that can be part of your healing journal. If your friends, family, or caregivers are unable to help you in some way, find out if there is a local service available. Keep a list of contact information for local service organizations, religious organizations, hospitals or crisis centers. If they cannot help directly, they may be able to refer you to another source.
Remember that people usually do enjoy helping other people and will do so if they know what you need. Most people are not very good at guessing, so keep a list and be prepared when the offers arise. The vague offers to help are usually sincere, but without a direct request they often go unheeded. Help your helpers to help you best.
Adapted from After Surgery, Illness, or Trauma : 10 Practical Steps to Renewed Energy and Health
Sue Hasker – Injury Healing Coach
www.HealYourBest.com
Posted in Articles, Healing, Health, Mental Training, Uncategorized | Tags: Healing, injury, recovery, stress, support, surgery | No Comments »
Orthopaedics and Alternative Therapies
The world of integrative and alternative medicine is more popular now that ever. But how do you wade through the vast amounts of information available online without becoming more confused, or falling for scams from unsafe practitioners and their advice? I have spent many years reading books, magazines, peer-reviewed journal articles, and following discussion groups moderated by highly trained naturopathic doctors and herbalists, and yet there are still many times when I am not certain how to choose between two or more conflicting opinions. Oftentimes we ask our physicians for advice on certain modalities or supplements we’ve read about and they may know from personal experience which ones are good and which aren’t. But other times, physicians have not studied these modalities in depth and prefer to stay within the boundaries of what they were taught as generally accepted practices in medical school. That does not mean that many of the alternative therapies are not good, or even bad, it just means that your doctor either may not know enough about it or does not want to recommend it to protect their practice from liability.
One medical professional source for physicians and patients provides an overview of several of the alternative therapies that people with orthopaedic injury might find useful is the “Your Orthopaedic Connection” section of the American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons website. There you can read more about the various types of alternative treatments and practitioners, such as:
Acupuncturist
Ayurvedic Practitioner
Chiropractor
Chinese Herbalist
Homeopaths
Massage Therapist
Naturopath
Take a look around other areas of the AAOS website where you may find information that is very helpful for your particular injury or surgery.
Sue Hasker – Certified Performing Edge Consultant
Injury & Surgery Healing Coach
Posted in Articles, Health, Uncategorized | Tags: alternative medicine, doctor visits, Healing, injury, support | No Comments »
Talking with Your Doctor
If you have been injured or seriously ill you will inevitably find yourself sitting in the doctor’s office with a lot of questions. What often happens is we feel rushed or nervous and forget to ask or forget WHAT to ask. Here is a list of reminders that will help during those times when it is important to know all the facts before making any decisions.
How to Talk to Your Doctor
How do you talk to your doctor? Does he or she do all the talking while you do all the listening? Are you afraid to ask questions? Do you leave the office feeling like you just sat through a foreign language class?
Your relationship with your doctor, including how well you talk with each other, affects your care. A good relationship — where you and your doctor share information and work together to make the best decisions about your health — will result in the best care. You’ll also feel more confident in your doctor and the quality of care you’re getting. Here are some ways to make talking to your doctor more effective.
Be Prepared
Doctors are busy people and their offices are often abuzz with activity, like ringing telephones and crowded waiting rooms. When you actually see your doctor, your visit probably won’t last more than 15 minutes. The best way to make the most of your limited time is to come to your appointment prepared:
- Write down all the questions you have for the doctor in advance and bring a pen and paper to jot down answers and take notes.
- Make and bring a list of symptoms if you’re not feeling well. You might want to research your condition at the library or on the Internet if you’re visiting your doctor for a specific problem or illness. Learning some related medical terms (see online course below) and common treatments will make it easier to follow what the doctor is telling you.
- Bring a list of all the medicines you take. Write down the doses and how often you take them. Include vitamins and other supplements.
- Arrive early enough to fill out forms.
- Have your insurance card ready and bring your medical records or have them sent in advance if you’re seeing the doctor for the first time. Also bring your health care advance directive, which outlines instructions about your care if you become unable to speak for yourself. Go over it with your doctor so that your wishes are clear.
Here are some questions to ask the doctor. You can add to the list as you come up with more questions:
Problem
- What is wrong with me? How do you know?
- What caused this problem?
Tests
- Must I have tests?
- What tests do I need and why?
- What do the tests involve?
- How do I prepare for the tests?
- When will I know the test results?
- Will my insurance cover the cost of the tests?
- Will I have to take the tests again?
Treatment
- What are my treatment choices?
- What are the benefits and risks of each treatment?
- What are the side effects?
- How good is each treatment?
- Which treatment is most common for my condition?
- What do I do if treatment fails?
Medication
- What kind of medication(s) must I take? For how long?
- What does the drug do? Will there be any side effects?
- What should I do if I have side effects?
- Can I take a generic version of the drug?
- Will the medicine interact with any I am already taking?
- Should I avoid any kind of food or activity while taking this medicine?
Follow-Up
- Do I need to see a specialist?
- Should I get a second opinion?
- Do I need a follow-up visit?
Speak Up
Don’t be put off by big words or a doctor’s hurried manner. If you don’t understand what the doctor is telling you, ask him or her to explain it again. Using different words, or drawing or showing you a picture can help. Don’t leave the office without understanding everything the doctor told you.
If there are issues you want to discuss that the doctor doesn’t mention, raise them yourself. Doctors often are so focused on making sick people better — or so rushed — they forget to talk about important health matters like diet and weight, exercise, stress, sleep, tobacco and alcohol use, sexual practices, vaccines, and tests to find diseases. Find out what tests you might need for your age, such as a mammogram or colonoscopy, and ask your doctor about getting them. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to bring up sensitive topics.
Don’t Withhold Information
Speaking up also means telling your doctor everything you know about your body and health, including all your symptoms and problems. The more information you share, the better the doctor will be able to figure out what’s wrong and how to treat you. Don’t make the doctor guess. Be sure to mention any and all medicines, vitamins, and herbs you are taking, and anyone else you are seeing about your health, physical and mental.
Bring Someone With You
Sometimes, people like to bring a friend or family member to a doctor appointment for moral support. A companion also could help you relax, remind you of questions you forgot to ask, and help you remember what the doctor said. If you need personal time with the doctor, the person can sit in the waiting room. Having someone join you is especially helpful if you feel too ill to get around easily on your own.
Follow Up
If you feel nervous, rushed, or just plain overwhelmed, you might forget to ask a question, even if you wrote it down. If this happens, or if you think of a new question, call the office right away. Be patient but firm if you want to speak directly with the doctor, who might not be able to take your call at that moment. If the doctor wants you to come back for a follow up visit, be sure to set and keep the appointment.
Building a successful partnership with your doctor takes time and effort. It’s not uncommon to have a frustrating doctor visit now and then. But overall, your relationship with your doctor should be positive and comfortable. You should have confidence and trust in his or her medical ability and judgment.
Let your doctor know when there’s a problem. If you can’t resolve things together, you might need to entrust your care to someone else.
Source: AARP
www.HealYourBest.com
Posted in Articles, Uncategorized | Tags: Coaching, doctor visits, Healing, injury, support | No Comments »
Positive Coaching
Positive Coaching
- Dr. JoAnn Dahlkoetter http://www.DrJoAnn.comCoaches need to read their athletes correctly and understand them for who they are.
Unless you’re a competitive athlete, chances are you have not had a “coach” since high school PE class. But you have probably had a boss, a neighbor, or a parent who made a big impression on you. Was that impression positive or negative? What about their interaction with you made it positive or negative? Would you have wanted it to be different? What would you do differently if you were in that position?
Coaching in sports is a complicated relationship. While the coach expects the athlete to put their best efforts into whatever they are doing, they need to be careful not to put too much pressure on the athlete who is simply unable to reach certain goals. Conversely, it is important that the coach not overlook areas that can be improved. The risk is that the athlete will either give up for lack of confidence, or not try their best for lack of motivation. But it cannot be JUST about winning, it must also be about personal achievement.
The things that frustrate athletes about their coaches are often when frustrates the rest of us about our boss, our mate, our friends, or co-workers. Here are a few examples:
- An atmosphere of continuous negativity
- Not being listened to
- Receiving criticism that is not constructive
- Being singled out as the cause of a group’s failure
- Seeing other “star” performers getting all the attention
- Not being appreciated for hard work and extra effort
- Not being allowed to adequately rest
- Feeling constant pressure to perform
A life coach or personal coach is someone who will work with you to help you discover and achieve your goals. When looking for a life coach you will want to consider a few important points:
- A coach needs to be willing to let the client determine the outcome they want while the coach remains unattached to the outcome
- A coach should listen to the client carefully and take hold of key words and phrases that will help the client see themselves more clearly and make the changes they want
- The client is responsible for putting the required effort into their own life, while the coach is responsible for helping the client to discover their creativity and ability to make changes
- The coach is responsible for keeping the client accountable, but not for making the client feel guilty
- The coach is there to support the client, but not to “baby” them
- The coach should make requests that stretch the client to go beyond their limiting self-beliefs, but not make demands that create anxiety
- The coach should believe in the client and tell them so regularly, or the client should find a different coach
Sports can be a great learning tool for life by providing lessons in positive self-image, hard work, and goal setting. But even those of us who do not participate in competitive sports can benefit from good coaching. Virtually everyone wants to know that someone is on their side no matter what.
Sue Hasker
Performing Edge Coaching
can help while you recover from injury or surgery.
JoAnn Dahlkoetter, Ph.D, best-selling author of YOUR PERFORMING EDGE and frequent ABC-TV Expert Commentator, works with numerous OLYMPIANS and top business executives.
Find Dr. JoAnn and PECI here.
