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Killer Clichés about Loss

We have all been educated on how to acquire things. We have been taught how to get an education, get a job, buy a house, etc. There are colleges, universities, trade schools, and technical schools. You can take courses in virtually anything that might interest you.

What education do we receive about dealing with loss? What school do you go to learn to deal with the conflicting feelings caused by significant emotional loss? Loss is so much more predictable and inevitable than gain, and yet we are woefully ill-prepared to deal with loss.

One of the most damaging killer clichés about loss is “time heals all wounds.” When we present open lectures on the subject of Grief Recovery®, we often ask if anyone is still feeling pain, isolation, or loneliness as the result of the death of a loved one 20 or more years ago. There are always several hands raised in response to that question. Then we gently ask, “if time is going to heal, then 20 years still isn’t enough?”

While recovery from loss does take some time, it need not take as much time as you have been led to believe. Recovery is totally individual, there is no absolute time frame. Sometimes in an attempt to conform to other people’s time frames, we do ourselves great harm. This idea leads us to another of the killer clichés, “you should be over it by now.”

It is bad enough that well-meaning, well intentioned friends attack us with killer clichés, but then we start picking on ourselves. We start believing that we are defective or somehow deficient because we haven’t recovered yet.

If we take just the two killer clichés we’ve mentioned so far, we can see that they have something in common. They both imply that a non-action will have some therapeutic or recovery value. That by waiting, and letting some time pass, we will heal. Let’s add a third cliché to the batch, “you have to keep busy.” Many grievers follow this incorrect advice and work two or three jobs. They fill their time with endless tasks and chores. At the end of any given day, asked how they feel, invariably they report that their heart still feels broken; that all they accomplished by staying busy was to get exhausted.

Now, with only three basic killer clichés we can severely limit and restrict our ability to participate in effective recovery. It is not only that people around us tell us these clichés, in an attempt to help, but we ourselves learned and practiced these false beliefs for most of our lives. It is time for us to learn some new and helpful beliefs to assist us in grieving and completing relationships that have ended or changed.

QUESTION: I have heard that it takes 2 years to “get over” the death of a loved one; 5 years to “get over” the death of a parent; and you never “get over” the death of a child. Is this true?

ANSWER: Part of the problem is the phrase “get over.” It is more accurate to say that you would never forget a child who had died, anymore than you would ever forget a parent or a loved one. Another part of the problem is one of those killer clichés we talked about, that time, of itself, is a recovery action. Although recovery from loss does take some time, it is the actions within time that lead to successful recovery.

The primary goal of Grief Recovery^® is to help you “grieve and complete” relationships that have ended or changed. Successful Grief Recovery^® allows you to have fond memories not turn painful and helps you retake a happy and productive place in your own life. In addition, you regain the ability to begin new relationships, rather than attempting to replace or avoid past relationships.

Sue Hasker – Injury Healing Coach

Certified Performing Edge Consultant

Certified Grief Recovery Specialist

www.HealYourBest.com

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Posted in Articles, Grief, Healing, Psychological Effects, Uncategorized |

Tags: anxiety, Coaching, depression, grief, grief recovery, Mental Training, recovery, support |

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Grieving Loss of Health?

Injury and illness are losses that need grieving.

There are at least 43 losses which can produce the range of emotions we call grief. The long list includes:

Death of a loved one
Divorce or end of a relationships
Major financial changes
Loss of health

Grief is normal and natural, but many of the ideas we have been taught about dealing with grief are not helpful, for example:

Time heals all wounds
You must grieve alone
Be strong
Don’t feel bad
Replace the loss
Just keep busy

We have known people who have waited 10, 20, 30, and 40 years and still didn’t feel better. We know that they would tell you that not only had time not healed them, but that it had compounded the pain. The other five myths carry equally unhelpful messages.

Recovery from loss is accomplished by discovering and completing all of the undelivered communications that accrue in relationships. Completion of pain caused by loss is what allows us to let go and move on. It is almost impossible to move on without first taking a series of actions that lead to completion. Before taking the actions to completion, it is important to look at and often dismiss some of the ideas or myths that we have tried to use with loss, but have not worked.

The Grief Recovery^® program creates the safety and the correct action choices that help people move beyond the pain caused by loss. Together we can help you to take a look at old beliefs about loss; to look at what other losses have affected your life; and to take new actions which lead to completion of the pain attached to the recent loss, or the loss that occurred long ago.

For more information about The Grief Recovery^® program, please contact me.

Sue Hasker – Injury Healing Coach

Certified Performing Edge Consultant

Certified Grief Recovery Specialist

www.HealYourBest.com

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Posted in Articles, Coaching, Grief, Healing, Health, Psychological Effects, Uncategorized |

Tags: anxiety, Coaching, depression, goals, grief, grief recovery, Healing, injury, psychology, recovery, stress, surgery |

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How to Deal with Everyday Life Grief

How to Deal With Everyday Life Grief

by Isabel Kirk

What comes to your mind when you think of the word grief? Most people think of death. Even if you Google it, the listings that come up are related to the emotional response that surfaces from the death of a love one. There is very good information and help out there related to that topic. So the purpose of this article is to talk about the silent discounted grief that is part of our daily life but we don’t even know is there for the most part. Believe it or not we all grief since we are born and our emotional health depends on grant part on the mastering of this process. We all hear the word grief here and there but even people who are in the midst of the process don’t know what the word grief means or what the process really involves. The English word comes from the Old French grève, meaning a heavy burden. This makes sense when you consider that grief often weighs you down with sorrow and other emotions that can have both psychological and physical consequences.

There are many unconventional situations that produce grief reactions and most of them are just part of being alive. Judy Viorst in her book “Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow” talks about most of them in great depth. She mentions how since the moment that we leave our mom’s wound we experience our first loss which is necessary to being alive. Why? Because loss is not a one-dimensional process. When we loose we also win but sometimes the pain from the loss might blind us from seeing the winning aspect of it.

Everyday we confront different and many type of losses – loss of independence, loss of a loved one, break ups and divorces, loss of security when we move to a new place or loose a job, disappointments, pervasive loss of one’s personal sense of well being and adequacy. . . so forth and so on. Even each positive stage of life carries on a loss, going to college, getting married, having a baby, retiring…just to mention a few. So if we can look at grief, sometimes, in a different way, as an essential part of living and growing, we could start understanding and accepting grief as a normal part of life. Here some tips to help you cope with it:

• Like with any sad or uncomfortable feeling or part of life, our reaction might be to try to run away from it. With grief the same happens. Contrary to what we do, it is important to understand that it is better if we welcome and try to go through it. “Easier said than done,” you might be thinking but you just can’t go around it. Grief is a process and you have to move through it to come across the other side.

• Be careful with judgment and allow all your feelings to come up. Since judgment is part of being humans we tend to classify feelings as good and bad. While grieving something or someone, try to stay away as much as you can from judging what you feel. Just feel it.

• Be patient and give yourself time. When there is a change it takes sometime for our internal worlds to adjust to a new reality. Grief requires adjustment and is a healing process. Notice the word process, which means takes time. Even though it doesn’t feel good, it is invaluable for the redefinition of our core self.

• Allow yourself to have fun. Sometimes because something bad happened we don’t allow ourselves to have some joyful moments. Why? Because we tell ourselves that might mean that we don’t care or that we are bad people. Judgment again! Well, let me tell you that the human nature has the amazing capacity to tolerate or do more than one thing at the same time. So you can be grieving and can fun at the same time.

• Surround yourself of familiar things and faces. A change increases uncertainty and vulnerability so the more you can be around routine and all time friends and family members the better.

• Tolerate the discomfort and hang in there. Try to do it without resorting to substances or unhealthy behaviors. Knowing your coping style when under stress might help you to know what to do while grieving. Easy recipe to follow: do exactly the opposite. Eg. If you tend to eat, try to exercise; if you tend to isolate, call a friend, if you try to overdo things, try to relax etc.

• Do not compare yourself to others. This is an easy trap. Because we know other people that went through a similar situation we push ourselves to heal as other did. Celebrate your uniqueness and allow yourself to have your own process.

• Keep in mind that grief is about remembering while attaching to something new. It is not about forgetting the past but it is about finding a way to keep people, places or experiences as part of who we are but being able to look into what the new horizons offer to us and see the beauty of it.

• Ask for help if necessary. If things get out of hand, the pain becomes intolerable for too long or adjustment doesn’t happen, do not hesitate to ask for professional help. Sometimes friends and family mean well but they don’t really give you the best advice.

As Karen O. Johnson MEd, founder & CEO of Everyday Life Grief Consulting says: “Life is made up of loss and it needs to be accepted and addressed to survive it in a healthy manner. Transforming the shattered dreams of grief can be a painful, but illuminating experience.” And remember that there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss (regardless of its nature). Our grieving is as individual as our lives.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Isabel_Kirk

Sue Hasker, PECI Certified Healing & Recovery Coach

www.HealYourBest.com

Sue@HealYourBest.com

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Posted in Articles, Psychological Effects |

Tags: anxiety, depression, fear, Healing, injury, psychology |

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Five Steps for Managing Depression

Take Charge of Your Depression in Five Simple Steps

By Deborah Kukal, Ph.D.

Depression is one of the most common experiences in the United States today, but it doesn’t have to be YOUR experience.

Yes, it’s true that depression is ‘biochemical’, that it happens in your brain. And yes, it’s true that your brain processes change what you think and how you feel. And your brain processes change what you do and how you choose.

But luckily, what you think and how you feel, what you do and how you choose, also change the way your brain works! And that gives you power. You can manage, reduce, and even reverse your depression!

Here are some points of power that have been proven by research to change how your brain works. They rebuild healthy brain structure and healthy brain function. And when you choose to do these things, you don’t just change your brain. You also change your experience. You feel happier, more energetic, hopeful and free. You sleep better, and you’re more fun to be around! No, change won’t happen overnight. But when you use your power, when you tip the scales-the changes WILL happen!

#1: Exercise

I know. You can’t. You don’t have time, you don’t have a place, you hurt too much, and you just aren’t motivated. Yep, that’s depression talking! You can exercise at some level, and you gain power when you discover what that level is, and do it! The more you do, the more you can do, and your power grows. Aerobic exercise causes a wash of healing biochemicals throughout your brain and body, and it’s been shown to be as effective as an anti-depressant for many people. And the biochemical changes from exercise help your brain re-build. Exercise is one powerful way to change your brain.

#2: Thought Patterns

Automatic negative thoughts-ANTS! They dig ruts in your brain, so your thoughts just automatically slide into the same old patterns-negative, self-critical, hopeless. Stop! That doesn’t get you where you want to go! Find your affirmations, statements of worth and meaning, purpose and love in your life. Don’t have any? Then write some-it will be hard, but energizing. Nourish the little green shoots of love and acceptance that are struggling to grow. As you do, you will develop your power, and build hope. And at the same time, you’ll develop the healthy brain you need to enjoy your life.

#3: Meditation

When you meditate, you ‘turn on’ the well-being biochemicals in your brain, and let them wash away the damaging effects of stress biochemicals. Then the well-being biochemicals go to work rebuilding, soothing, growing healthy new neurons in your brain-and rebuilding health throughout your whole body. It’s like washing out your brain, and then nourishing it with a rich biochemical chicken soup! Don’t know how? Try one of the many resources you can find on the web, and check it out. Meditation is a gift to enrich your life-mind and brain, body and soul.

#4: Touch

In your heart, you know the power of touch. Caring, gentle, loving. What a wonderful way to change your brain! Yes, you can even pay for touch-with massage! Massage does change the biochemicals your body makes, and over time, it will begin to change your brain. But you don’t have to pay for touch. Embrace your child, sit and rock-kids eat this up! Snuggle with your dog, pet your cat, hug a friend. And do it every day, at least 5 times a day.

#5: Sleep techniques

You may already sleep all day. Or perhaps you CAN’T sleep at all! Either way, it’s true-depression changes your sleep patterns. But in this area, as in all the others, your choices also make changes, and you can make the choices that will get your sleep back on track. Healthy sleep choices are clear and easy to follow-and there are resources here on the web.

You’ll need to explore each of these areas, to learn more-changing your brain takes time and practice. But you want to learn, and you believe there’s help-that’s why you’re reading this article.

Keep it up. You are changing your brain!

Dr. Deborah Kukal is a licensed psychologist who has been teaching patients how to change their brains and change their lives for more than 10 years. She has engaged patients from virtually every walk of life in the successful and rewarding practice of health focused meditation.

Dr. Kukal’s Christian meditation CDs nourish your physical health and enrich your emotional life, as well as deepening your intimacy with the Lord.

Try a FREE guided Christian meditation by Dr. Kukal at her website, http://www.joyofchristianmeditation.com Learn to meditate and experience the healing joy of Christian meditation.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Deborah_Kukal,_Ph.D.

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Tags: Coaching, depression, Healing, injury, psychology |

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Seven Steps for Managing Anxiety

Seven Steps for Managing Anxiety

Have you ever been in a situation that brought on sweats, rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath? You probably weren’t having a heart attack but an anxiety attack. If you suffer from anxiety disorders, learning to manage it is the first step to overcoming it.

Anxiety is characterized as extreme reactions to fearful situations. When someone follows you into a dark alley, those anxious feelings of a racing heartbeat and sweaty palms gives way to heightened senses and a rush of adrenalin that can save your life. This is the fight or flight syndrome.

In the case of frequent anxiety, the fearful feelings are dread of a particular situation and not the situation itself. Getting caught in traffic can cause an anxiety attack over what might happen when you get to work late. Starting a new job can bring on anxiety attacks. You don’t know anyone and fear of that unknown can send you into a panic.

Everyone experiences panic or anxiety in small ways. Like the fight or flight example, it can save your life. In new situations, we get panicky but when the outcome we fear fails to materialize, the anxiety stops. For someone with chronic anxiety, this is not the case.

Every situation that brings anxiety is not life-threatening. More than likely it is an extremely stressful situation that has brought on the anxiety as a way of dealing with it. Unchecked anxiety of this type can lead to depression.

If you suffer from anxiety attacks on occasion or a more frequent anxiety disorder, there are steps you can take to keep your anxiety under control.

1. See a professional. This is always a good first step. Self-diagnosis of any type of physical or mental condition is unwise and can be dangerous. A professional psychologist can help you understand your anxiety and prescribe medication or other effective techniques.

2. Get a good night’s sleep. During the sleep cycle, your body repairs itself. You feel more rested after several hours of restorative sleep, reaching the REM stage. Most people need eight hours a night which varies within an hour or two each way.

3. Exercise on a consistent basis. Exercise helps you to use oxygen more efficiently. It helps to get more oxygen to the brain. It also increases focus which may help you see solutions to problems rather than simply worrying about them.

4. Meditate. Meditation is more than chanting mantras. Yoga is an exercise that involves quieting the mind and controlling your breathing. Simple mediation such as taking 5 minutes to clear your mind everyday can work wonders in the fight against anxiety.

5. Manage the worry. When you feel your pulse start to quicken, count backwards from ten. As you count, focus on the situation. What has actually happened? Resist the urge to read anything more into the situation.

6. Don’t use alcohol. You might think that the glass of wine is relaxing your tension but alcohol is a depressant. In anxious situations you could rely too heavily on it and gain another problem in the process.

7. Find some relaxing activities. Stress can rob you of your energy. On a regular basis, do something you like such as gardening, painting, reading or listening to music.

Anxiety can come into your life at any time. It’s normal. When the anxiety becomes frequent you could be at risk for more serious conditions. If you feel your anxiety is starting to take over your life or increasingly causing you problems, seek professional help immediately. There is no need to suffer this terrible condition in silence.

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Tags: anxiety, Coaching, depression, fear, Healing, psychology |

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