Psychological Effects
Killer Clichés about Loss
We have all been educated on how to acquire things. We have been taught how to get an education, get a job, buy a house, etc. There are colleges, universities, trade schools, and technical schools. You can take courses in virtually anything that might interest you.
What education do we receive about dealing with loss? What school do you go to learn to deal with the conflicting feelings caused by significant emotional loss? Loss is so much more predictable and inevitable than gain, and yet we are woefully ill-prepared to deal with loss.
One of the most damaging killer clichés about loss is “time heals all wounds.” When we present open lectures on the subject of Grief Recovery®, we often ask if anyone is still feeling pain, isolation, or loneliness as the result of the death of a loved one 20 or more years ago. There are always several hands raised in response to that question. Then we gently ask, “if time is going to heal, then 20 years still isn’t enough?”
While recovery from loss does take some time, it need not take as much time as you have been led to believe. Recovery is totally individual, there is no absolute time frame. Sometimes in an attempt to conform to other people’s time frames, we do ourselves great harm. This idea leads us to another of the killer clichés, “you should be over it by now.”
It is bad enough that well-meaning, well intentioned friends attack us with killer clichés, but then we start picking on ourselves. We start believing that we are defective or somehow deficient because we haven’t recovered yet.
If we take just the two killer clichés we’ve mentioned so far, we can see that they have something in common. They both imply that a non-action will have some therapeutic or recovery value. That by waiting, and letting some time pass, we will heal. Let’s add a third cliché to the batch, “you have to keep busy.” Many grievers follow this incorrect advice and work two or three jobs. They fill their time with endless tasks and chores. At the end of any given day, asked how they feel, invariably they report that their heart still feels broken; that all they accomplished by staying busy was to get exhausted.
Now, with only three basic killer clichés we can severely limit and restrict our ability to participate in effective recovery. It is not only that people around us tell us these clichés, in an attempt to help, but we ourselves learned and practiced these false beliefs for most of our lives. It is time for us to learn some new and helpful beliefs to assist us in grieving and completing relationships that have ended or changed.
QUESTION: I have heard that it takes 2 years to “get over” the death of a loved one; 5 years to “get over” the death of a parent; and you never “get over” the death of a child. Is this true?
ANSWER: Part of the problem is the phrase “get over.” It is more accurate to say that you would never forget a child who had died, anymore than you would ever forget a parent or a loved one. Another part of the problem is one of those killer clichés we talked about, that time, of itself, is a recovery action. Although recovery from loss does take some time, it is the actions within time that lead to successful recovery.
The primary goal of Grief Recovery® is to help you “grieve and complete” relationships that have ended or changed. Successful Grief Recovery® allows you to have fond memories not turn painful and helps you retake a happy and productive place in your own life. In addition, you regain the ability to begin new relationships, rather than attempting to replace or avoid past relationships.
© 2002 Russell P. Friedman, John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute.
All rights reserved. Used with Permission.
Sue Hasker – Injury Healing Coach
Certified Grief Recovery Specialist
Certified Performing Edge Consultant
Posted in Articles, Grief, Healing, Psychological Effects, Uncategorized | 
Tags: anxiety, Coaching, depression, grief, grief recovery, Mental Training, recovery, support | 
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Grieving Loss of Health?
Injury and illness are losses that need grieving.
There are at least 43 losses which can produce the range of emotions we call grief. The long list includes:
- Death of a loved one
- Divorce or end of a relationships
- Major financial changes
- Loss of health
Grief is normal and natural, but many of the ideas we have been taught about dealing with grief are not helpful, for example:
- Time heals all wounds
- You must grieve alone
- Be strong
- Don’t feel bad
- Replace the loss
- Just keep busy
We have known people who have waited 10, 20, 30, and 40 years and still didn’t feel better. We know that they would tell you that not only had time not healed them, but that it had compounded the pain. The other five myths carry equally unhelpful messages.
Recovery from loss is accomplished by discovering and completing all of the undelivered communications that accrue in relationships. Completion of pain caused by loss is what allows us to let go and move on. It is almost impossible to move on without first taking a series of actions that lead to completion. Before taking the actions to completion, it is important to look at and often dismiss some of the ideas or myths that we have tried to use with loss, but have not worked.
The Grief Recovery® program creates the safety and the correct action choices that help people move beyond the pain caused by loss. Together we can help you to take a look at old beliefs about loss; to look at what other losses have affected your life; and to take new actions which lead to completion of the pain attached to the recent loss, or the loss that occurred long ago.
For more information about The Grief Recovery® program, please contact me.
Sue Hasker – Injury Healing Coach
Certified Grief Recovery Specialist
Certified Performing Edge Consultant
Posted in Articles, Coaching, Grief, Healing, Health, Psychological Effects, Uncategorized | Tags: anxiety, Coaching, depression, goals, grief, grief recovery, Healing, injury, psychology, recovery, stress, surgery | No Comments »
Injury ~ A New Beginning?
Is it possible that your injury and the healing process – while disruptive and frustrating – could be the start of a new way of looking at life? It was for me. Granted, breaking my ankle in a remote rain forest in another country (on another continent!) was scary. Getting home to obtain proper treatment was a nightmare. But there was a silver lining for me BECAUSE I chose to look for one. I chose to be grateful for the new people that have become part of my life and a new understanding of what other people are going through when they are struggling with limitations. I changed, not only anatomically due to all of the surgical procedures I’ve endured, but from the inside out. It’s all a matter of mindset.
The following article may help you decide to change the way you view your recovery process. Ponder the ideas, anyway.
Gratitude, Faith, and Clarity of Purpose – the most powerful statement
by A.M. Sall
“Things might have been worse”This is the most powerful, dynamic, revolutionary statement you could ever make in your life.
But first, deciding to take an inventory your life will lead you to put down in front of you two parts of your life:
1. the good things: positive
2. the bad things: negativeDo you think your life might have been better or worse?
This is a choice for you to make. But if you put every thing down and carefully examine it, you will realize things certainly might have been worse.
“I was complaining that I had no shoes till I met a man who had no feet.”
(Confucius)For example, you have lost your job but you are in good health: you might have lost BOTH health and job.
Now, the mere fact that you are faced with a choice means you are in a dynamic situation, the possibility to decide for yourself, to assert yourself, to test your sense of purpose. You are FREE to decide. Yes, it is up to you to decide whether things might have been better or worse.
If you decide that things might have been better and things had indeed been better, you wouldn’t have felt the need for change: you would have carried on, unconscious and happy (!?)
If your “present” is better than it might have been, then there is no reason why your “future” should not be better than your “present” (please read this sentence again
.
The only difference is NOW YOU KNOW, and this is what makes your situation so powerful, so dynamic, so revolutionary, so excitingly full of proactivity: You can decide, you can make choices, set goals and work to achieve your goals.
You are no longer groping in the dark and whatever you decide for yourself will come to pass.
Your future is a heavily pregnant lady and you don’t need an obstetrician, because YOU are the obstetrician — not just any obstetrician, but the most powerful obstetrician that ever was.
All the kids are yours and YOU can decide what they are going to be. This is a terribly exciting story, and you are the superhero.
Now is the time to exercise your sense of purpose.
Deciding that things might have been worse means you are ready for three things at least:
1. gratitude: you can be grateful because you see the positive side in all things. You realize there are more positives than negatives, so you don’t complain, you don’t explain, you are in control, the more so since you now know that your present situation is simply a consequence of your past thoughts;
2. faith: the realization that from now on, things CAN be better and you can decide things ARE GOING to be better. And your future situation is also a consequence of your present thoughts.
3. clarity of purpose: you know exactly what you want things to be.
You are ready for a life-change and you have faith, gratitude and a sense of purpose. These are the 3 legs of your Success Mindset Tripod.
Once you are ready for change, you have gone at least 60% of the way, you can get anything you want.
Attitude is the first thing to change and you have changed your attitude from negative to positive.
Clearly affirm your readiness for change.
From now on, anything you do will be informed by your faith, your gratitude, your clarity and unity of purpose.
Meditate a lot to convince yourself that you are on the right track.
This deep conviction will rid you of stress, tension, doubt and fear, your two worse enemies.
Eventually, you will impress everybody, including yourself!
Deep conviction will bring you into agreement with yourself, the only person you really have to agree with, after all. This is what I call “unity of purpose”.
And once you agree with yourself, you’ll find it much easier to agree with anybody else – contrary to what some people may think.
Now is the time for you to decide what part of your life you want to change, be it making money, losing weight, relationships, or anything else.
Now is the time to set your goals, and take action to achieve them.
But never forget that you have already gone 60% of the way – readiness for life-change, which was obtained through making a balance-sheet of your life and deciding that things might have been worse (past + present) and that things CAN and indeed ARE GOING TO get better (present + future)
And things are truly going to be better than they could ever be, simply because NOW YOU KNOW.
Always remember “things might have been worse” — and be grateful, confident and purposeful.
Then move forward and upward, and build your life with your Success Mindset Tripod!
Lead your life and don’t allow yourself to be led by your life.
A. M. Sall – author, coach, success mindset philosopher with 30+year experiences -as a translator, teacher, traveler, musician, writer, plus crosscultural awareness, worldwide ancient spiritual traditions… Success Mindset Philosopher A.M.Sall helps you “be whatever you want to be and get whatever you want to get. ”
http://www.health-beauty-wellness.com/positive.htm
Sue Hasker – Certified Performing Edge Consultant
Injury & Surgery Healing Coach
6 Steps for Managing Stress
6 Steps for Managing the Stress in Your Life
We all experience it at one time or another; this trespasser called stress. It is perhaps the number one cause of most health problems today. Let’s explore 6 ways to deal with the stress in your life in a healthy and effective manner.
* Talk about the problems you are experiencing with friends, loved ones or a professional. Keeping everything bottled up will only create more problems later on. Join a support group with people experiencing similar problems.
* Exercise often. Go to the park and walk for 20-30 minutes either every day or every other day. Exercise relieves tension and produces a calming effect. Perhaps joining a gym with a friend would be more to your liking.
* Yoga exercises. Sit in a quiet room alone and begin breathing exercises. Choose a mantra which will help you to stay focused.
* Music does calm the savage beast. Listen to some classical or instrumental music. Ocean or nature sounds are a perfect way to release stress.
* Healthy meals can become an important factor in limiting your stress. Ensure you eat three meals a day, and make an effort to avoid too much caffeine and sugar.
* Sleep deprivation can cause stress. Go to bed early. Seven to eight hours sleep can make all the difference.
Coping with stress can be challenging. Every day you seem to be pulled in every direction, trying to accommodate others. The first priority is to take care of you. You are the thread which holds your family together. If you are stressed, you won’t be much good to anyone
More Ways to Ease Stressful Situations
Give yourself a break every now and then. Buy a new outfit; go to a movie; do something you’ve always wanted to do. Your family can take care of themselves for one day. Alone time is just as important to you as it is for everyone else. Think of yourself as a gas tank; eventually you will run out of fuel.
Laughter is a wonderful release. You’ve probably noticed those times when you’ve laughed so hard, you cried. This is probably due to the fact you haven’t laughed in a while, and the tension released through laughter is the best cure-all method for dealing with stress-related issues.
Avoid stressful situations whenever possible. If you are a working mom, it’s probably not the job but the people who are causing you the most stress. Take everything in stride.
If you can’t finish a task, don’t worry about it. If dinner doesn’t turn out as you expected, improvise or order out.
Life is too short; and stress can reduce it further. Nothing is more important than your health or state of mind.
Eleanor Roosevelt wisely said, “No one can make you a victim without your consent.” She was right; it is, after all, up to you.
Sue Hasker
Posted in Articles, Psychological Effects | Tags: anxiety, goals, psychology, stress | No Comments »
Sports Psychology – Not Just for Athletes Anymore
Sports Psychology Can be Used by “Regular People”
Part of my training as a certified coach has been to read and absorb a book called, Your Performing Edge: The Complete Mind-Body Guide for Excellence in Sports, Health and Life by Dr. JoAnn Dahlkoetter. My goal from the very first chapter was to take the concepts used by athletes and sports coaches, and translate them for use by the “rest of us.”
Below is an article by Dr. JoAnn along with my take on how to use the “3 P’s,” which are the core of the Performing Edge Method, for helping people to heal and recovery from injury, surgery, or both.
Sports Psychology and Peak Performance – How to Create Your Performing Edge with Mental Training
by Dr. JoAnn Dahlkoetter
Best-selling Author, Your Performing Edge
Free e-Course at: http://www.DrJoAnn.com/
POSITIVE IMAGES: Use your mental training and images throughout your workout to create feelings of speed and power. (e.g., If you’re walking or running and you come to an unexpected hill visualize a magnet pulling you effortlessly to the top). Use visualization before, during and after your training to build confidence and new motivation.
Suppose you are not training for a race, but rather, recovering from an injury that requires extensive physical therapy. Often just the thought of stretching, bending, or putting weight on the injured area can cause feelings of anxiety and fear of doing more damage. Before your next physical therapy session try visualizing yourself doing the exercises as if you are completely healed and pain-free. See yourself easily following the movements of the therapist during the hands-on portion of your treatment. Prepare a mental image of yourself doing the strengthening and stretching exercises correctly and safely. Use this visualization several times before your next appointment.
POWER WORDS: Make positive mental training self-statements continually. Negative thinking is common; everyone has an inner critic. Become aware of these thoughts early on. Don’t fight with them; simply acknowledge their presence, and then substitute positive power words. (e.g., When you’re thinking: “This hurts too much, I want to lie down and die”; say to yourself: “This feeling is connected with getting healthier and doing my absolute best”).
What do you say when you talk to yourself? Do you think something like, “I’ll never feel any better, I’ll always have this pain or this limitation, what’s the point in working so hard when it isn’t helping?” When your recovery has been slow in coming, or marred by setbacks, it is so easy to become discouraged, and that is quite a normal response. Just recognize those thoughts, but then intentionally remind yourself that they DO NOT have to be true. Substitute a negative thought with a positive one. Say, “Even thought this is difficult, I am working to become stronger and healthier every day.” Or, “This pain is not harming me, I need to feel it now, but soon I will be able to do this exercise with ease.” And remember to tell yourself, “I am doing my best to help my body heal and recovery completely.”
PRESENT FOCUS: Practice your mental training by being in the present moment. Remind yourself to stay in the here and now. Let past and future events fade into the background.
Your mind can only focus on one thing at a time, so when you are working on your recovery it is important to focus on what is happening right now. It’s easy to bring up the past and think, “I didn’t make much improvement last time so this time won’t be any better.” Or that nagging worry about the future, “I am afraid this will be as good as it gets.” When you are focusing on past and future, the present disappears. At your next physical therapy appointment or doctor’s visit, try to be fully present at THAT appointment, listen to what is being said, feel what you are feeling at that moment. Of course it is important to ask questions to relieve any anxiety you are having, but don’t automatically assume that “now” is the same as “then” and that “later” will be the same as “now.”
Sue Hasker, PECI Certified Healing & Recovery Coach
www.HealYourBest.com
Posted in Articles, Mental Training, Psychological Effects | Tags: Coaching, fear, Healing, injury, Mental Training, psychology | 1 Comment »
Using Mental Training to Recover from Injury
People from all walks of life may at some point in their lives experience an accidental injury. Trainers and coaches have been using some powerfully effective mental training tools to help athletes return to their sport, while the rest of us have probably only just heard of them. The mental training tips listed in following article can be used by anyone who is experiencing a season of healing and recovery. Just exchange any references to athletes and sports with activities related to physical therapy and rehabilitation. Welcome to the exciting world of sports psychology!
Top 10 Training Tips
Excerpt from the book, Your Performing Edge: The Complete Mind-Body Guide for Excellence in Sports, Health, and Life, by JoAnn Dahlkoetter (Pulgas Ridge Press, 2002)
Free e-course available at http://www.DrJoAnn.com
Mindfulness: Practice being in the present moment. Remind yourself to stay in the here and now. Let past and future events fade into the background.
Power Imagery: Visualization is not something you do only in the quiet of your bedroom. Use your mental images throughout the workout to create feelings of speed and power. (e.g., When you come to an unexpected hill visualize a magnet pulling you effortlessly to the top).
Positive Attitude: Use everything in the workout to your advantage. For example, if another athlete passes you, tuck in behind and go with his or her energy for as long as possible. You may catch a “second wind” and be carried on to a new personal record.
Short-term goals: Focus on your immediate target. Break your training down into small, manageable pieces and begin to focus only on the first portion, not the entire workout (e.g., Say to yourself: “I’m just relaxing and getting my rhythm during the first mile”).
Association: Pay close attention to your tension level and training form. Do a body scan while working out and relax your tight muscles frequently. Ask yourself: “Are my shoulders and neck relaxed; how does this pace feel; how much energy is left in my legs?”
Pain Management: If you have “good pain” that is not seriously damaging your body, just shift attention to your breathing or cadence of movement, and let the discomfort fade into the background. You can also use the pain as feedback. Register it not as pain but as effort level. Say: “Now I know exactly how hard I’m working. I know how this pace feels. My body is doing what it should be doing.”
Process not Outcome: Look only at what you need to do right now (e.g., pace, breathing, concentration); your final time, place, or score will take care of itself.
Focused Attention: Be aware of distractions. Breathe out unwanted thoughts with your next exhale and re-focus your attention instantly on what is important.
Affirmations: Make positive self-statements continually. Negative thinking is quite common; everyone has an inner critic. Become aware of these thoughts early on. Don’t fight with them; simply acknowledge their presence, and then substitute a positive affirmation. (e.g., When you’re thinking: “This hurts too much, I want to lie down and die”; say to yourself: “This feeling is connected with going faster and doing my absolute best”).
Enjoyment: Celebrate your fitness and strength. When the competition arrives, let your body do what you’ve trained it to do. Remember that your goals are realistic. All you need to do is perform up to your capabilities.
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How to Deal with Everyday Life Grief
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Isabel_Kirk
Sue Hasker, PECI Certified Healing & Recovery Coach
www.HealYourBest.com
Sue@HealYourBest.com
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Five Steps for Managing Depression
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Seven Steps for Managing Anxiety
Anxiety can come into your life at any time. It’s normal. When the anxiety becomes frequent you could be at risk for more serious conditions. If you feel your anxiety is starting to take over your life or increasingly causing you problems, seek professional help immediately. There is no need to suffer this terrible condition in silence.
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Performing Edge Coaching
can help while you recover from injury or surgery.
JoAnn Dahlkoetter, Ph.D, best-selling author of YOUR PERFORMING EDGE and frequent ABC-TV Expert Commentator, works with numerous OLYMPIANS and top business executives.
Find Dr. JoAnn and PECI here.
